desire, revealed.

Beach without rainbow in Rainbow Beach, QLD, Australia. (8 January 2008)

And then, suddenly, I start missing Australia so, so much. But I don't know what exactly I'm missing in moments like these. Right now I just saw some very beautiful pictures of Australia and I was like: Wow, this is so nice. I saw this and I saw that, but I didn't see so much else and I get kinda peeved at myself because I didn't see everything when I had the chance to see everything, when I was there. Because I don't know if I ever get there again because it's so far away and so expensive to get there.
Then I start thinking about the people I met there and about how much I miss them. Especially that one girl who stole me from her boyfriend (haha). At first she hated me. Then she loved me. We could talk for ages. She and her boy, my old friend, were my anchor during a time where I didn't expect anchors to exist. They were my home in that homeless place, too far away from everything else I ever called "home". And I think about all the other people I met with who I shared the right moments. There was this one guy in Melbourne, I tried to find an English word: "You know, when you commit a crime, you have to go to..." "Prison?" "No, before that..." "Ah. Court." "YESSSS! And in court there is that one guy who's sitting there, doing this with his little hammer..." "Ah, you mean the judge?" "Yeaaaah!" "Well, we can call him 'hammer-man' if you want to." And the other guy in Byron Bay who I taught to play that one song on guitar. I miss these moments. And I miss the memory of these moments, because sometimes I think that I don't think enough of all those moments. And I'm afraid that my memory could fade.
Just a few minutes ago I realized that this time is almost four years ago. Four. Four. Four. So much. I was nineteen then and so stupid, on the same time so smart. I don't wanna think things like "I wanna go back there", because I was too young then to realize what I really was doing there. I think I just wanna go back. Just for a few weeks, just to visit my two anchors because sometimes it's so hard to imagine that the stars they see are the same I'm looking at.
But maybe the only thing I really miss is daylight. I find it hard to get up and be in a good mood when the days do not really start, when it doesn't get bright outside. And while I'm sitting here, that late (it's 9.32 am in Australia), having a sore throat, I know that on the other side of the world it's summer, bright, and good mood everywhere, and I wish to be there as well.
I think I already know my dreams of this night.